Epiphany

It's amazing how little I knew about Biblical adoption, even until recently. By the time this blog post comes out, it will be Orphan Sunday. So I find myself thinking about many things.... Things I have learned and things I do not yet fully understand.
Our story started many years ago with a tiny seed that The Father planted in my heart.......a seed of love. For many years the seed was watered, but it was like the seed was sown in rocky soil with no depth to which it could root or sown in thorny soil so when it started to grow, it was choked out and it yielded no fruit. I needed to remove the stones and thorns of things that were plaguing my life....... Once I allowed the soil of my heart to be tilled and fertilized by God, He was able to give the increase for a harvest!  I was able to experience Gods love in a much more real way and this allowed me to step out of the shadows of fear, into faith in a larger than life kind of way....through adoption.
It's interesting that I never knew that there is so much in the Bible about adoption, but it doesn't all jump right out like James 1:27 "pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction and to keep himself unspotted from the world".
Did you know that several main "characters" in the Bible were adopted? Moses was adopted by Pharaohs family, Esther was adopted, and Jesus was adopted by Joseph, his earthly father.
Then there is the fact that as Christians, our whole faith is based on the fact that when we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, we are adopted into Gods family as sons and daughters and heirs to the throne of the Heavenly King! This is Through Gods greatest act of love...... adoption is about love.
I once had this idea that it was all so complicated. I thought it was something that some select few were"called for" and about "saving some poor child" , doing something to save the world, blah blah blah. It's just love....plain and simple. And we are all called to love.
So I have experienced Gods love growing in my heart and now our home has grown in love. We were 3, now 5. There are no orphans in our home. We have a beautiful daughter and 2 handsome sons. Our 2 youngest will be dedicated at church in just a few hours, which will be the official beginning of one of our only real missions on earth.....to help lead our children to have a personal relationship with our eternal Father.
There are worldly orphans and spiritual orphans. Some are 2 in the same. Although God promises to come to us and that He will not leave us as spiritual orphans. Wouldn't it be amazing if there were no children without a place to call home and a mother and father here on earth?
There is a call for all of us. What is your part?

Moving Mountains and Parting of the Red Sea

Friday was my 10 year wedding anniversary. 
I love my husband so much! He is my best friend and makes me laugh. He even manages to make me laugh at myself sometimes when I am mad. That is quite a feat! And he has gone from no cards, to a card with nothing special written in it and nothing all that perfectly fitting in the words of Hallmark, to not 1 but TWO perfect cards- perfectly fitting with special messages in each. I love this guy!
Who would have  thought? Well- to be honest.... If we were all honest, there were certainly times where the enemy had hold of our hearts, our thoughts, our desires, and our future.... And we got sucked into the mud. Had we stayed just a moment longer, maybe we wouldn't have made it out. It IS by the Grace of God....the great healer and restorer that we have made it this far. To be honest there were times where I had my doubts. There were many nights where I prayed Mark 11:23
"For verily I say unto you, that whosoever shall say to this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith." KJB

And in the darkest times I prayed to be like Paul and Silas in the dungeon who were able to praise God in their darkest of dark times- in the "midnight" being imprisoned for worshiping our creator. When they could have lost all hope and could have given up on the one for whom they loved and were imprisoned for (Acts 16:25-34)
God is faithful. He has led us through the valley and beside still waters to restore our souls and bring restoration to our marriage.
He has taken us by the hands like small children and has put his arms around us. He has shown us a deeper love for each other and for Him than we ever could have imagined. And this is part of our story- our testimony of how God can take us from the mirey clay and use us and our stories for His glory. And when we really make ourselves vulnerable to Him, giving ourselves freely for Him to use for the kingdom- amazing things happen.
And so it was with our adoption journey as well. 
I know that not everything which God calls us to is easy. Sometimes doors are shut one after the next and the enemy is at our heels all the while. 
For this season of our lives, I have been amazed to see the floodgates flung open wide as Gods blessings have poured out on us. Its like God parted the Red Sea for us like He did in Exodus 14, when Moses led the children of Israel out of captivity.... "And the children of Israel went out with boldness". (It would be amazing what we could all do for the advancement of the Kingdom if we could have this childlike boldness in what God has called for our lives.)   
And so I have been asked time and time again "why adoption?" My answer today is much different than the one from months ago. It hasn't changed, but its grown. As I have grown in Him, my understanding also has grown.
Stay tuned for the latest on why I adopt..... I was inspired by one of my favorite adoptive momma bloggers who had a post about the same topic! 

The Journey Part 7- The Goodbye

Dear Kev!n,

I write this to you today with a heavy heart.  Before my head hits the pillow tonight, this will have been one of the most bitter sweet days of my life. While I look forward to my safe return home with Daddy and Gabe, and my heart will be filled with joy when I see your sister for the 1st time in 8 days, I am also saddened. There is a pit in my stomach and heartache I could never explain. Tears stream down my face as I write this to you now, as I have left a piece of my heart behind.... In Uganda..... I have left you.

Today I have done the most emotionally difficult and heart wrenching thing..... When we got to the airport, we got the bags out of the car and you put your little book bag on. (We gave you a Thomas the Train book bag this week, and you just loved it. You carried it everywhere we went!).... While we were unloading all of our luggage from the van, you put your little book bag on and you were excited for the journey....the journey you could not take. It was torture riding to the airport with you sleeping in my lap, all the while knowing that I could not explain to you what was about to happen. So we wrote you letters. Gabe put a little black and white composition book in your book bag, and we each wrote you a letter in the hopes that someone in your family will find them and read them to you. Mommy's letter is first, then Gabe's, then Daddy's. Knowing that there was no way to explain what was going on, I gave you a big hug and a bunch of slobbery kisses. Gabe and Daddy gave you hugs and kisses too, and Daddy had to hold Gabe up because he was so upset he could barely hold himself up.   I gave you a bunch more kisses and told you that Mommy loves you and promised that I would come back for you. Then I had to put you in a car while you were crying. You thought you were coming with us and did not know where we were going or if we were ever coming back, but I buckled your seat belt and gave you one last kiss and shut the door. It was awful. Daddy had already dragged Gabe away and I had to pull it together and tell a little white lie. When I met Daddy and Gabe, Gabe was very concerned and asked if you were ok when I put you in the car. I had to lie and tell him you were fine because I could not bear to tell the truth. As we have now been traveling for close to 25 hours and are almost home, I use this time to reflect on our first days together. I pray that God will put the peace that passes human understanding in your heart and mine. I pray that Abba Father will speak words to your heart that I could not speak to your ears. I pray that you know how much we love you and that you will know we will come for you. I pray to be safely reunited with your sister soon , and most of all I pray to have all 3 of my children together so we can begin the next step in our journey.

We all love you and miss you. We can't wait to see your smiling face again soon!

  

 Love Mommy

The Journey part 6

Thurs June 27th

 

We had court last night. I thought it went well. Dorothy, our attorney told us that the judge gave your other family members a hard time and asked what was so difficult in taking care of such a small boy. He asked your aunt with 5 kids why she couldn't just share the other childrens things and give you a little bit of their food.

I think he just wanted them to be sure this was what they wanted to do.

 

Today is Thursday. We have only today and part of tomorrow left with you. I'm feeling a little bit of heaviness in my spirit. I'm trying to enjoy our last full day with you.

We go to the museum. This clearly was not thrilling for you.

(The head dress in the picture is what would have been worn during a circumcision event. We learned that circumcision were public events. The men would wear these while they would perform the procedure on boys of 9ish years of age in front of the whole community. ) Once again, our guide was walking and trying to give us the schpeil, but you got it in your head that you wanted soda, so for about an hour and a half, you walked around just murmuring "sooooooooda- sooooooda-soooooooda" over and over and over and over again.

Pretty impressive! You never gave up. And of course, our museum guide made several comments as to how stubborn you were.

I have to give you credit.... I was determined not to give in, but you wore everyone else out. Finally, the guide promised that we would get you a soda at lunch, just so you would let her do her job.

 

Afterwards, we went back to the hotel so you and Gabe could swim, or -so Gabe could swim and so we could try to coax you back into the pool again.

 

You did it! You finally did it! You were brave enough to let me get into the baby pool while I was holding you. After a few minutes, you let me put you down. Yay!

So you threw the ball with Daddy and Gabe for a little bit , and then threw up in the pool.

 

I'm thinking no one was super happy with us.

We just wound down after that, although you seemed to feel fine by the time we got back to the room. I think it was just a combination of the coughing and swimming after eating..... Note to self.

 

Spirits were down a little bit, as this was our last night together. We had to pack and be ready to check out the next morning.

Off to bed.

 

Friday morning June 28th

 

Checked out of hotel. Mr Ronald came to get us. Went to the passport office to see if we could get the passport process started before leaving the country. Even though our attorney had someone go wait in line all day, when we were having coffee at a nearby cafe. When our number got close, they called us to come over, but when we got there we realized that our passport photos were not the right size. So I took you and rushed off to get some quick pics done, and rushed back.

 

We waited about an hour and a half. You and I were in the passport office which was a small concrete building with no air conditioning, electricity, or anything other than some waiting chairs and a few people at desks. Since there are no computers, everything is written by hand, and they have these huge ledger books where they log everything.

When we got to 4th in line, they just got up and left for lunch without saying a word.  To keep you busy I took out my ipod. You grabbed it and stuck it to directly to the ears of the people to our right and left. I think you were so amazed, you wanted to share the joy, but they kept swatting your hands away. You could care less! You just kept sticking it right back in their ears. Pretty funny.

About an hour and a half later they show back up..... 1-2-3-4.... I'm up! Finally. Someone asks me what I'm there for, I tell them, and they tell me I'm in the wrong place and they shoo me away.

Ugh, Standard protocol here! The attorney said this is where we should be. This is where he took his last clients. He assured us that they could take care of us, but were just choosing not to. They sent us 3 doors down, where there was no one waiting all day, but now.... Now they were at lunch- or still at lunch. I'm not sure. So we wait some more. Now we are back out in the heat waiting. There is this really cute little Ugandan girl, who is maybe 2 years old. She has really taken to Gabe and is following him all around. She is sitting in his lap and trying to hold his hand. Daddy said she had been playing with Gabe and following him around for quite sometime, but you hadn't seen it because you were inside waiting with me. Well..... You did not want her anywhere near Gabe! You were clearly jealous. You went over and pushed her hands away from Gabe. When she kept trying to get back to Gabe, you started pushing her and pinching her arms. (Not too hard as to hurt her. And it wasn't nice, but it was kind of cute at the same time.)  Finally they get back, we go into the building to wait some more. As the line moves, we get closer.....3-2-1. Its our turn now. We explain what we need and -nope! They send us away. They tell us we can't start the passport process yet without the judges ruling.

Long and frustrating day, and to make it worse- we have to head to the airport now.

Now I have an hour ride to agonize about what is about to happen..... We will have to part ways for a time, and I will not be able to explain it to you. Oh, how I am dreading this next few hours!

The Journey Part 5 - Court

Wednesday June 26th

Today is the big day.... We will go to court to testify in front of a judge - that we want you to be our son- a part of our forever family. 
I thought I would be nervous, but I'm not. I'm excited to go through this next part of the process.... To get one step closer to uniting our soon family of 5. Wow! That's pretty crazy. We were 3 for 8 years. In another year and a half, our family will have grown by 2.

Slept in, treated ourself to a nice big breakfast buffet at the Sheraton. We were worried about a really bad cough that you had since the day we met you. You also had little bumps all over in localized areas. You had coughed so hard that you got sick several times over the last few days, so we decided that we would take you to a doctor. As luck would have it, there was one in the hotel and we didn't even know it! ..... Sure enough- you had an upper respiratory infection and ring worm all over your body- including on your head. Oh- $30 US never better spent! We were so relieved when we got those antibiotics into your system, but you did not like the medicine! However, we had another great tip before we left, so we packed several bottles of cough syrup, which we had already been giving you for several days. You thought you hated the way that tasted until you got the Uganda Special Brew! Oh my! (We were also warned before we left that cough syrup in Uganda was expensive and tasted awful.) It must have been right, because you actually cried and tried to convince us to give you the medicine we brought from the US instead, by pointing and grunting. Then you ran away to hide when you saw what bottle Daddy poured from.

Mr Ronald picked us up an hour early for court, just to be on the safe side , even though its only a few minutes from the hotel. Luckily we got there with a little time to spare, so we walked across the street to a very small craft market. Gabe and I already had some hand-made Ugandan sandals, so we found a pair for you as well. Our court appointment was at 1:30, and we were all there a little early. Your uncles, aunts, grande, and village leader were all there as well.   
I don't think anyone even came in to make sure we were all there til 2:30. Then another hour and a half went by and no one seemed to care that we were even there. This came as no surprise, as we were warned that's how it would go, so luckily we brought your toys, lots of snacks, and water.
In the meantime, we got to know a little more about your family. Daddy had more in depth conversations because the guys were the ones who all wanted to talk and learn more about our family and the United States in general.
I spoke to the ladies a little, but they were pretty busy chatting amongst themselves in your native tong. I kept busy trying to entertain you and Gabe mostly.
Interestingly enough, I don't think Daddy, you, Gabe , or myself really ate any of the snacks that we brought. After a few hours, I did try to get you to eat, but felt others looking on, so happily offered to share. Everyone seemed pretty excited about the trail mix, animal cookies, granola bars, and fruit that we brought. I hadn't even realized that these were items that they had most likely never seen before. Your aunts even seemed to be explaining an orange to your grandmother. So I offered them the rest of what I had and kept only a pack of crackers in case we needed it for later. Well..... And my Twizzlers that I kept hiding in my purse...I just couldn't give the Twizzlers away!
I was already to kill someone for a Diet Pepsi at this point- I had to keep my sugar fix since I couldn't get my carbonated caffeine fix until we got back to the US.

I think they finally came in close to 4:00. They rushed us into the courtroom. Rush rush rush rush! Leave the bags- everyone hurry!
We get into the courtroom, sit down, and the judge then tells Ms Dorothy that he needs to excuse us for about 10 more minutes because his boss needs to see him. They herd us out of the courtroom- back to the original holding pen.
I would say another hour or more goes by. I'm in the ladies room and come out to an empty waiting room. I find that they rushed the group off again, even telling Mike to just leave me because they couldn't wait. I find Daddy and the rest of the family in a waiting room outside of the court room. So there we waited- again- after rushing- again. Finally! They came for us and ushered us back into the court room. 
By now you and Gabe were pretty tired. Within a few minutes, you were sleeping in my lap, and Gabe was sleeping in his chair, sitting straight up. Seems like we were in there for an hour and a half. I'm not sure exactly, but the place was closed down, and everyone except the guards were gone when we left ..... And it was dark outside.
The judge, who is supposed to be addressed as "my lord" called up both of your aunts and then your grande. (They said your uncles were too young for court, so they were not allowed in at all.) The judge spoke to your family in Lugandan, so we never knew what was going on. He had your Aunt Joy translate for your grande since she couldn't speak English or Lugandan, other than a few things here and there. She did get pretty emotional at one point, and had to hide her face. I did not know what was being said, but I felt a wave of relief to see the emotion finally overcome her. I felt bad to see her sad, but for your sake- I was relieved. This was the 1st clear display of emotion I had seen. This proved that she loved you beyond a shadow of a doubt..... Not that I had any reason to doubt, but it just made it perfectly clear.
This process took what seemed forever. There were no computers in the room, and the judge wrote every answer by hand- literally word for word. 
Then he called me. Ugh. I. Felt sure he would call Mike and figured he may not speak to me at all. (He never did call Daddy, which surprised us. But later Ms Dorothy explained that he usually only wanted to talk to the mommies.) I had been contemplating all the while on weather I would be able to address him as "my lord". I just had a sick feeling about it in my stomach. Even though I knew it was just a title like sir, I just couldn't do it. I just went with Sir, and figured he would think I didn't know any better. 
Now, we had mentally been preparing for all kinds of difficult questions. I had been rehearsing all kinds of things to say-  in my head all day.
So I was a bit thrown when he asked me my age. I was not expecting that one! I honestly don't think about it very much, so I was trying to think it out in my head. I was sure I was 32 or 33. I thought I was crazy until I looked over at Daddy and saw him counting on his fingers too. The judge asked me again, and I could tell he was annoyed at my delay. I took a stab and said 32. Whew! I was lucky- it turned out to be right!
Then- how long have I been married, how many children do I have- both with daddy?- do we both work- how many hours- what days- and then one that worried me a little....what made me think I could take care of 3 children since Daddy and I both work full time? Ouch! This one had me scared. Then he asked how I came to get the idea of adoption in my head. Ugh! I wanted him to ask why we wanted to adopt you! I would have told him the story about how I knew I wanted to adopt since I was a teenager. At that point, it was just an idea of doing something "good"- to help provide a loving home and a mommy and daddy for a child that didn't have it. BUT the moment I met you, I wanted to adopt you because I loved you at that moment. 
So, I didn't get to tell him all of that, but I wanted you to know..... It was you. You are our chosen one, the one we dreamed of, the one we prayed for, the one we cried for! You are the one! You were no accident. We waited months for you, we prepared a place for you in our home while God prepared your place in our hearts. We came for you, son, and our lives will never be the same again!

The Journey Part 4

Tuesday June 26th:

Woke up next to my new little snuggler and my big snuggler on the other side of you. (By the way- Daddy continues to yell at Gabe because Gabe is constantly sneaking in kisses..... All over your face. Its pretty funny. Sometimes you welcome them and want to give him kisses back, and sometimes it looks a little bit like molestation! Daddy tells Gabe that if he did that to a little girl, he would be put in jail. So Daddy holds Gabe down and slobbers all over his face to show him how it feels. I'm laughing out loud even now with the images in my head. You like to give us kisses on the cheeks, but I honestly wonder if you have ever kissed anyone before or if you picked it up from Gabe because you kind of leave your mouth open when you kiss our cheeks- pretty funny, but they are welcomed!
So we go to the 10th floor for our usual free breakfast. By now we have learned to communicate pretty well, surpassing the language barrier. But you are always bouncing off walls and since we are constantly having to tell you "no no" and ichilaho in your language, we sometimes miss things. For example- at breakfast you keep saying the same thing over and over and are whining a bit. We keep telling you no no and sit down, but felt a little bad when the lady who worked there told us that you were only asking for passion fruit juice. Sorry Buddy.
So we get your juice and sit down together. You decide you want things from Gabe's plate, and you reach over and grab what you want and shove it in your mouth before Gabe has a chance to react. Its kind of funny. It doesn't matter how bad Gabe wanted that item....even if it was the very last one.... He would smile and let you have it. He loves you so much, and he has such a kind heart. It makes me happy to see. And you are very demanding, always wanting your food or drink first, but Gabe doesn't complain a bit that you are getting more attention than he. So, to our surprise, you do know how to use a fork....kind of. You seem to like using it for french fries, or "chips" as they call them in Uganda, but rice and mooshy items- you seem to prefer your hands. And if you don't like something or if you get a seed in your mouth, you just spit it on the floor. I try to tell you no no, but I am pretty sure this is fairly common for the area you are from. In addition, you are constantly throwing trash on the floor or on the ground.
Mr Ronald, who is my "go-to" source of information tells me that both of these things are normal behavior for someone from a village, so we don't give you such a hard time about it.... We laugh, I apologize to whomever may be looking at us, and clean it up.

Mr Ronald picked us up and took us to the IOM Medical office. We have to get a medical exam for you as part of the immigration requirements . We weren't told ahead of time that we should have made an appointment well in advance, so when Daddy tried to call the week before we came, he was just told to try back in a month. This is how peeps roll in Uganda! We figured we would try to show up and see if they could squeeze you in. As we were showing our identification to the armed guards, you kept trying to run off. I kept grabbing you, but you got loose. You walked through the door, and were standing just outside the guard shack. I could still see your back, so just kept an eye on you until I finished signing in. As I walked out of the door, I found you - how should I say this- peeing- right out in front of the whole world. I tried to hurry you since there was a lady and her daughter coming our way. Boy, you are a handful! 
Mr Ronald went with us to try to help talk our way into being seen, to no avail. But they did let us make an appointment for the following week- for your grandmother to bring you back. We got all the documents in order for Pepa- this is the agency in Uganda.  
Next we went to Dorothy's office. She is our attorney through the agency. We beat her there, so we all got out and threw the ball around in the front yard of her office. Daddy and I wanted to take a break, so we got back in the car with Mr Ronald. A few minutes later, you and Gabe  had disappeared behind some bushes, and Gabe starts screaming blood murder. He is calling my name- screaming for me and now calling for Daddy too! My heart drops in an instant- there is razor wire around the property and broken glass on the ground. I was sure you were hurt! I fling open my door, almost in tears- as Mike's door flies open as well! We spill out of opposite sides of the car and race towards Gabe.... Frightened for what we are about to find! Then...... Gabe says " Kevin is taking a DUMP!"
I'm still confused and my heart racing.... He tells us that you just pulled your pants down and started going. Yes, son- I'm sorry- I did just tell the whole world, but its all part of our story. 
I told Daddy "This one's all you", and I got back in the car laughing. Luckily we were prepared with tp in the back pack. Daddy came back to clean you up. He said you were in your birthday suit.
Once again- Mr Ronald told us that there was no need for concern, that this was perfectly acceptable where you are from..... Although I'm not sure this will be so easily explained if we are at church or in the mall parking lot- back in the states, but we will work on it.
So, we saw Ms Dorothy, who helped prepare us for what to expect in court. She told us that we got the judge who will ask us all kinds of questions. He will be watching us interact with you, and he will want to see pictures of us with you, as well as want us to have shown interest in learning about Uganda. So Dorothy suggested that we visit some local historic sites.... The tombs, parliament, the museums, or something.
She did say that you looked like you fit right in with us, as you were running back and forth in her office, giving me big open mouth kisses on the cheek, sitting in my lap, and literally climbing all over Gabe and giving him kisses too.
I just can't explain it- but if we weren't still trying to learn how to speak to each other, it would seem like you were always with us!

Back to the communication barrier- at one point you decided to open the door and try to run out of the room. I kept pulling you back, and closing the door. Finally her assistant walked in and explained that you were saying that you had to go to the bathroom. Yikes! I guess we better learn that one! ..... Quinyata.... Ok- mental note- got it.

So, once we left Ms Dorothy's office, Mr Ronald tool us to the parliament. The tour guide was trying to give us her talk track and you were (as always) running all over the place, trying to take the camera from Daddy, on my lap, off my lap- up the walls! She kept trying to distract you and to take your hand to lead you in another direction, but you kept trying to push her hand away. She commented on how stubborn you were. We just smiled and said- "yes, we know."
We learned all about how Uganda and Buganda came to be and about the different tribes, the burning of the tombs, the Kings, and the President.
Then we went to see the palace and the old torture chambers. This was all extremely interesting.

Once we left, we were told that we needed to go see the local agency office- Pepa. We weren't sure why; we just thought we had some paperwork to sign or something.
This is the 1st time we really saw the poverty of Uganda. The houses near the office were shacks at best. Mostly people sitting around in the dirt, children with scraps of clothing, babies with a tattered shirt and nothing else- dirt and dust everywhere. Bone thin animals romping around.... Not much of anything anywhere other than dirt and dust. The people were beautiful - in their own way.... As much as one might say they looked sad..... I don't know that I would say that. Who am I to say they are sad because they don't have things that they don't know of? The children were still happy, running around- playing in their dirty, torn rags, beaming with smiles as they waved at us as we passed. Some of the brave ones even ran to our window to say hello and touch my hand. While they certainly are without many things, I would like to think they are happy people, just living a different life!.... Maybe naïve, but that's honestly the only way I can sleep at night after seeing that. Otherwise I'm gonna have to convince Daddy to sell it all and move to Uganda.

So, after a long day, I was pretty worn out, and not as sharp, mentally, as I would normally be. We park and walk up to the Pepa office. I walk in with you, Gabe, and Daddy in tow. I'm not really aware of my surroundings, but I see a lady who tells me to take a seat, so I do. All of a sudden I see you between the legs of a young man who is sitting to my right. You have your arms on his legs and I am a bit put off by this. I ask the young man if he knows you. He smiles and says "yes, I know Kevin." ..... Knowing that I am missing something, I ask if he is related and he replies "yes, I'm his uncle". Now I look around the room and see another young man, 2 unfamiliar ladies, and your grandmother all sitting along the wall. I know this is your family. (Your village leader was there as well. These would be the witnesses for court.)  Feeling a bit embarrassed, I stand up to greet your grandmother and the others. We introduce ourselves, and I'm feeling a bit awkward. I'm happy and sad and feeling all kinds of crazy at the same time. I'm a little jealous that you would rather be with your uncle Giddeon, than myself.... I know that's a very immature way to feel, but this is how I felt. I was happy to know that you had a family though... A group of people who have been loving you all this time. I hope they have been hugging and kissing you and telling you how smart and funny you are. I hope they have been grateful for every waking second that they have had you in their lives. In a way I'm also hoping to see some obvious signs of sadness in their eyes. Please try to understand if I can articulate this in a way that makes sense. I don't want them to be sad for the sake of being sad. But someday when you will read these letters and ask me about this day, I want to be able to tell you that their hearts were breaking to give you away. I want to know that they will miss you so you will know without a shadow of a doubt that they loved you deeply. I'm confused because I can not read their emotions. Their faces are straight, and I'm the only one in the room with tears in my eyes. I don't know why this is so difficult. I want to see some sign of approval from them, that they can see our love for you already or confirmation that they know they made the right choice. I'm afraid that maybe they will still change their minds, but in a strange way- also wanting to know that they still want you themselves. Its just too much! (Peace, God- give me peace right now, calm my mind.)
Then Appo, our Uganda agency coordinator, asks us all to stand and introduce ourselves. When we are all done, he encourages us to take this opportunity to ask any questions of each other that we would like. Everyone went. Gabe and I were last. Gabe was a bit shy in this situation, and he wanted me to speak for him. It took the urging of everyone in the room to get you to finally stand and introduce yourself. (Later, Mr Ronald explained that it is very rare to see a mazoongo child in person- up close and even more rare to hear one speak. He said that usually if mazoongo children come to Uganda, they are kept safe and not allowed to go near the public. I thought this was kind of sad....once again making me feel bad that we too had those same fears when we first got there. But now I consider Mr Ronald our friend and your family- a new part of our extended family.)
Now its my turn. Need I say.... I AM NOT looking forward to having to talk at all for fear I will just lose it. Also, I know there is one question that you would never forgive me of not asking.... When it got to me, its kind of a blur. I'm pretty sure I managed to say my name and said I had one question...... I started by saying that we already loved you and definitely wanted you to come be part of our family, but wanted to know why they were "giving you to us". Now, admittedly I know this is not the best phrasing but I don't know what words may have sounded better. And I'm thankful that Appo heard me and understood. I'm quite sure that it didn't come out much above a whisper. Everyone was trying to figure out what I wanted to know and Appo explained my question. Again, I think I was looking for some dramatic display of emotion, but the answer was pretty simple.... Your two uncles are fairly young and are enrolled at the University, being supported by your other family members. Your one aunt has 5 children between the ages of 7- 17 years old. Your Aunt Joy, who is a pastor does not have the money, and your grandmother is in her 60's with poor health and no source of income. She has been your primary caregiver. She didn't say this, but I'm pretty sure she is afraid of what will happen to you if she isn't around anymore. The 2nd question that I asked was for a little better understanding of how your biological mommy and daddy passed. There was not much information, but I think its mostly due to lack of medical technology in the area.

They asked us if you would have anymore brothers and sisters. We told them that you would become a little brother and a big brother all at the same time. We told them about Havannah, and showed them her pictures in the picture books that we made for them. (By this time, you had learned who Havannah was by going through the pictures with us- you loved those picture books! Every time we would see her picture, you would say her name and kiss her face! Of all the strangers in the picture books, it was she who captured your heart. If its possible to love someone from only a picture, I'd be sure that you loved her already.)
Your family also wanted to know if we would send you to school and what our religion was. They were all born again Christians, so they were pleased to hear that we are as well and that you would be going to a Christian school.
I then thought to ask if they could tell us about your likes and dislikes, but there was no answer offered. 

Later, I asked Mr Ronald if he could guess why there were no hugs and kisses or tears from your other family. He said that's just part of the culture. 
Exhausted after a long, emotion filled day, Mr Ronald took us back to our hotel. 

Free food and waters on floor 10 and off to bed for a big day tomorrow..... Court! 

The Journey:Part 3

Day 4:

Our 2nd day together:

In the morning, you were even more comfortable with us, and started to pull a few tricks out of your bag. You told us that you have 2 arms and 2 legs.... In English! We all just started laughing because it was random and totally unexpected. When you found that we were happy about your English tid bits, you pulled out a few more stops. You sung us a song about having 5 senses: " Senses senses senses- I have 5 senses :I have eyes to see, ears to hear, nose to smell, and a tong to tastie"  We all laughed. It was one of the cutest things ever! Of course we never did figure out what the 5th one was..... You sung the song for days but never let the cat out of the bag.

 

Mr Ronald (our driver/ guide who we were very luck to have) picked us up and took us to the US Embassy so we could check in on making sure the Visa process had been started. You sat close to me while I held you close in the car, since there was no seat belt. Mommy carried you, and when you walked, you held my hand on 1 side and Gabes on the other. Luckily I brought your book bag full of toys because you were a busy busy bee. (I have heard that it is pretty common for Ugandan boys to be pretty energetic.... But you, my dear are special and funny, and sharp, and more energetic than any others I have seen. (We have also gotten comments from people - Ugandans- almost every where we go. They laugh and say how stubborn you are. I think you will fit right in!

The Hot Wheels kept you pretty busy. This was one of the 1st places we saw other Mazoongos, other than our hotel. There were other Mazoongos there with there beautiful Ugandan children, waiting for the same reason. When we left, we went to get passport photos for you and a family photo of all of us together, which we were told we would need since Mommy would be traveling to bring you home without Daddy with us.

The sites:

I didn't take a lot of pictures this 1st visit because I was taking mental pictures and trying to take in what I was seeing..... 1st of all, the traffic and road conditions was pretty darn scary.... They drive on the left side of the street, well.... Sort of. They really just drive wherever they want! The roads are mostly paved, but huge holes all over the place, so people are weaving in and out from left lane to right lane. And I had to close my eyes and clench my body many times while I was preparing for impact- holding tight to you and Gabe. Ronald kept us safe, although someone did bump us from behind at one point.... No one stops because no one cares. All of the cars are bumped and scraped. There are boda bodas everywhere! These are basically something like a dirt bike and a small motorcycle combined. This is a popular mode of transportation because you can more easily weave in and out of traffic and they take less gas. We were warned and read warnings to not ride on any of these (they use them for taxis also). They are very dangerous due to the crazy driving and lack of helmets. We saw people riding 5 deep on them sometimes..... A driver up on the gas tank, a momma, and 3 little ones! If a woman was to ride by herself, she would sit "side saddle" to ride like a lady..... Even more scary! I'm pretty sure we side bumped one at one point in the car as well.... Its just madness! Also, we were told that some of the boda boda drivers are bad guys and will drive you to areas where other bad guys would be waiting to snatch you off the back or rob you. (But again, this is what we read before going. After talking to Ronald, I'm sure some of this may be a bit exaggerated.) Other than the paved streets, there was no grass to line the roadsides or anything else. It was just dry dusty red clay everywhere, so although the weather was beautiful, breezy, and much cooler than Charleston, and we would drive with the windows down to avoid using the A/C (if he even had it), dust was thick in the air, and when we showered at night, you could see it all draining down in the water.

The roadside shops were , to the best I can describe, like a small metal shed that one might have in their back yard.... 35 years old, falling apart with holes and rust, but without doors.

People would be sitting inside on dirt or standing. You could find dresses, jewelry, fruits,cell phones, or even meat, plus just about anything you could think of. And yes- I did say meat..... Raw meat hanging in the windows of an open, un air-conditioned metal shack, with flies buzzing and dirt flying all around!

Driving around, you would also see little old ladies sitting on piles of rocks, holding hammers or mallets. Close bye I saw piles of grey dirt. I assume the ladies were manually crushing the rocks for cement?

Also you would see men hand making beautiful hand carved beds, doors, and all types of furniture. You would see gorgeous hand made iron or raw steel doors. You would see men with shovels and pick axes to break up concrete on the side of the road- digging 5ft deep trenches to lay power lines, women using brooms without handles to sweep the streets, guys with brillo pads scrubbing the sidewalks. You would also see packs of children wandering the streets begging for food. This was by far the saddest thing of all..... While we were at the 1 stoplight in the whole city, a pack came up to the car. The oldest was maybe 10, and was offering to wash the windows with a dry dirty clothe. Then he went to Mike's window ,and Mike gave him some change. The other 4 were at my window, maybe between the ages of 3 and 7 yrs old, reaching their arms inside. I held their hands and gave them all of the snacks I had in my bag. Ronald told us that they probably had come from up north and their parents had probably been killed by one of the rebel groups. He said they sneak into the backs of trucks and make their way to the city to beg for food and change to eat. Eventually the when the food is scarce, the older ones will steal the food and the younger ones will die. There is no organization that picks the children up and puts them into homes. They just survive if they can. 

 

At the end of the day, we went back to the hotel and took you and Gabe out to the pool. Later we were told that this is the 1st time you ever saw a pool, which may explain why you were scared to death of it. And when I told you it was a "pool", you kept calling it a "boat".

Daddy finally got you to put your legs in, after 15-20 minutes of coaching. Then a lady that works at the hotel spoke Runyankole and tried to trick you into the pool by offering you sweets. Then she grabbed you and threw you into the baby pool, which was a foot and a half deep. You cried and told her she was a bad person and that she lied because you could see she had no sweets in her hand. (I was on the other side of the pool, but was tickled when Daddy told me what happened.) You wouldn't even come near Daddy the rest of the time at the pool that day.

That night and for the rest of the nights, you slept between me and Gabe. I would gently rub your face as we went to sleep and I would wake up to you looking at me, rubbing my face and rubbing your feet against my legs.

Sweet Boy.

The Journey Part 2

PART 2:
(If you didn't read the last blog entry, I suggest you read that one first.)

I had fully intended to journal our story day by day while we were in Uganda, but I wanted to be present and living in every moment, soaking up all that I could while we were there, so bear with me as I try to recount the past 8 days.
We won't ever be able to tell our son about how much he weighed when he was born or show him his "baby book", so this will have to serve as our first account of our life with him.
Day 1 and 2:
So we left at 5:35 am on a Thursday. Switched planes 4 times, and may I just add that the Ethiopian airport is just a tad scary.... By tad, I mean - a lot scary. And good thing I got some helpful tips and had packed some toilet paper since there wasn't any in the restrooms. Mike scavenged a small roll that fell on the floor in the mens restroom and he said  that he had to salvage some scraps after it rolled around in 2" of liquids. Yikes! After about 25 hours, not forgetting the 7 hour time difference, we got to Uganda on Friday about 2:00pm. 
Our guide Ronald picked us up and whisped us away to the Sheraton. We decided to fork over the $250 per night for the Sheraton due to all of the awful things that we had heard about the crime situation in Uganda, and they had an armed guard there with a gated entrance.
We were anticipating getting settled and waiting to meet "K" the next day.
The next day (Saturday) we found out that it would not be until 4:00pm that we would meet K instead of 9am. Then by noon we were informed it would  be yet another day before we would meet our son. I could not get a straight answer from anyone as to what was going on. Uganda has an "Island time" sort of thing going on times 10. And everyone always says things like "its no problem" as a solution to any situation. 
We were getting a little concerned that something was wrong or "off" but were  being stalled to buy time. To fill the void, we went to the local market, where shopping is good for Mazoongos. (This is what they call us white folks.) We were not sure what to make of this term, but later had it better explained. It is not a racial slur, so to speak. They think that "all good things come from Mazoongos". They think we are all smart and educated and "rich". .... So its a bit of reverse racism I suppose. 
So the Mazoongos typically want to go to the local craft market to buy locally made goods.
This was fun. I haggled the prices on everything since that's the thing to do. Kind of odd though because I had no idea what price  I was bargaining for since I did not understand the conversion from US dollars to shillings. $5,000 shillings is about $1.90 , so I felt kind of bad later for the cheap cheap prices I paid for some beautiful handmade Uganda items.

Day 3.... (Sunday)This is the day we met him... A day that will be etched in our hearts forever!
We woke up with hearts filled of excitement and anticipation! Ate breakfast and asked about the local Calvary Chapel, as we go to church at Calvary Chapel of Charleston. We found out that it was only about 10 minutes away and if we hurried, we thought we would catch it half way through. So we quickly got dressed for church and had the hotel call a car for us. After the driver got lost several times, we wound up stopping a 3rd time so he could ask for directions again. Mike realized we were parked right in front of it, so we hurried to see what we could catch. As it turned out, everyone was leaving and we were just in time for the 3rd service! God's perfect timing.... We were told there were only 2 services! So this was only the 3rd place we saw mazoongos. The 1st 2 places were our hotel and the craft market. (Just for the record, as if anyone would doubt me: this does not bother me. I think the people of Uganda are beautiful and I'm perfectly comfortable with this. I'm simply painting a picture for you.) I'm thinking that most were missionaries and maybe other adopting families, but not sure. The service was great! Then we spoke briefly to the pastor and found that he had 2 adopted children as well. 
After church, we decided to walk around the stores downtown. This was probably against Mike's better judgment, but at my urging. I really wanted to see a little more than just the hotel and the views from the car window.  This would be more like a New York City- lined with small small shops (more like shops we are used to seeing versus the metal shacks along the roadside. There were also small restaurants and allies lined with merchants. There were lots of people, crowded streets and sidewalks, people in tattered clothing- some without shoes, awful smells of what might smell like an outhouse or a dump, and trash everywhere! I did not see any friendly faces and felt like folks were eyeballing Gabe's bookbag. I put my hand on my purse and walked quickly behind Mike. I was trying to keep Gabe close and also stay close to Mike, while keeping a confident and friendly appearance. I really surprised myself by this reaction. We were told so many awful things about the city and the people, and Mike read so may horror stories from online and from the local newspaper. We heard many warnings from people who were concerned with our safety, prior to going. I knew that we would be careful and I knew even the locals had told us to stay inside once it got dark, but I was almost ashamed for being so fearful of these people... After all- these were the people of Uganda.... The country where our son was from and a country that we will forever be a part of from here forward. 
We later came to better understand why there seemed to be such a divide between us and the Ugandans..... It was said that they all respect Americans and actually want to see us, speak to us, and be around us. But as a whole, they are afraid of us. They fear getting too close to us because they know what we think of them. They know that we are told of horrible things and are warned to watch our children and our purses. We are warned not to speak to strangers and all kinds of things. They fear that if they make eye contact or come too close that will we will think that they are out to get us or are going to steal our purses. Now, don't get me wrong.... Those things still happen, but they happen everywhere. There are dangers in Uganda, just like there are dangers in any big city. But when this was explained to me, it broke my heart. After that, I went out of my way to make eye contact, to say hello, and even to touch the hands of children. The response I got was totally different. I could tell that people were very intrigued.
After getting lost in the city, while walking back to the hotel, we made it back with about 15 minutes to spare before meeting K.
If you read the last post you already have some incite as to how the big event started. (Again, if you didn't read the last post. Do it now.)

After we met him outside, we went into the hotel lobby. K and his grandmother speak a unique language called Runyonkole. Most Ugandans speak Luganda and English, so we couldn't even get other folks to translate for us. But we did spend some time the night before, going around the hotel and asking if anyone could speak the language. Luckily we were at a really large prominent hotel with many employees, so we were able to find 3 or 4 people who could speak and translate if we needed help. I went and found a lady named Anette at the front desk who agreed to help. So we sat in the lobby with 2 guys from the agency, K, his grandmother, and Anette. K sat in my lap on the floor while Mike was in a chair close bye, and Gabe sat on the floor next to us, making every effort to get K to smile, with little success. He was very timid, and there was a definite awkwardness in the air. We exchanged some pleasantries with the translators help. I was sure to ask Anette to be sure the grande understood the situation, as Mike was very bothered by the awful stories that we had read, about parents or guardians who had been tricked into giving up their children.... (They were told that the children would be sent to school in the U.S. And would later come home.... Meanwhile, unsuspecting good folks would be "adopting" a child who was essentially stolen from uneducated parents.) She said that she understood. I asked her if K knew who we were and she said "no". So, I'm not really sure what if anything he was told prior to meeting us. 
K had a pretty bad cough, but the grande said it was no big deal. We could tell that the Grande was tired and after a 7 hour bus ride we asked if they were hungry. She said they were, so we offered dinner to all before they would take her away to her hotel. (We were very excited to find that she was going to leave K with us that night, as we weren't sure when he would be left with just us.)  
We ate outside. We had to have a Anette translate the menu as well, but it was still difficult since they only have a few foods available in their village- very basic foods. We were sad to see the Grande's disappointment at the unfamiliar items on the menu. And all we could get K to eat was soda and fries, or "chips" as they call them.  
Gabe managed to lure K in with a few match box cars at the table, and they were best of friends after that!
We ate and then it was time for the Grande to head to her hotel. 
The 2 gentlemen and the grade quickly disappeared, without a word to K.... Not a hug or a kiss or a wave. I was so confused. Then my confusion shifted to concern, as I was afraid about how he would react when he realized she left without a word.... Left him with a bunch of funny looking strangers who he couldn't understand.
When he saw them disappear through the gate, he took off running and crying.... Ran right past Gabe as Gabe also stood in tears. I couldn't believe Gabe just let K run away like that, but Gabe could not stop crying. He was so hurt that K did not want to stay with us. I explained that this was perfectly normal and that any child would react like that. I managed to convince Gabe that this was no indication that he would not want to be a part of our family once he got to know us.
We went to the hotel playground with our "win a kid over quick" kit..... We brought balls, bubbles, and Hot Wheels. Pair those things with a see-saw, a merry-go-round, a slide, and some swings and what kid could resist!? We were all best of friends in no time! 
Mike and I hadn't decided how we would introduce ourselves, but since we were already introduced as "mommy and daddy" , I figured we would go with that. I pointed to K and said his name, then went to Gabe, Mommy, and Daddy. I did this several times before I just pointed to K. I waited for him to say his own name, then went to Gabe and myself.... He got it right! "Gabe and Mommy"! But when I got to Mike- nothing- not a word. After several attempts with the same result, we tried one more time. This time instead of saying Daddy, he said "Mazoongoo" and started laughing. We all had a good chuckle.... Then we figured maybe there was something associated with that word that had a bad memory or wondered if maybe that made him think of his bio father, so I said "Poppy" and he instantly repeated me. So "Poppy" it was going to be for the moment.     

As it got darker, we headed to the room. The night was what I was dreading, as even when we watch my niece- she still cries for mommy when it gets close to bed time.

K was quite dirty, so we wanted to get him cleaned up. We were a little hesitant on how to do this without making him feel violated, so it was much to our surprise that when we turned the shower on, he stripped down to his birthday suite and jumped in the shower. We were feeling much more awkward about this than he was, mostly since he wasn't ours yet.
But we got him cleaned up and fresh- nose, ears, and all and ready for bed. He climbed right in between Mike and Gabe and off to sleep he went. He was coughing quite a bit, and tossing and turning. I kept sitting up to look over and check on him. I don't know if Mike could feel that I wanted to be close to my new baby or if he really just couldn't sleep, but he asked if I wanted to trade places. I really wanted to and was so happy he asked. We traded. I slept on and off through the coughing and wiggling around, and I loved every minute of it! 

I think our 1st day with K went pretty well!

The Call and The Journey

PART 1:
We got the call about three and a half weeks ago..... we were expecting "the call" to tell us that we had a court date to travel and meet our son.  We were told that there were 4 other families who all had their paperwork in and were "submitted to court" in Uganda about a week before us. Everyone else had gotten their court dates for 1st week, 2nd week,fourth week of June, and the last got a court date for the week of July 4th. So we were fully expecting to get a court date for the week after July 4th. A week went by and no news.... two weeks went by and no news. The third week came and I got a phone call as I was driving up to our home. Gabe, Mike, and Havannah were all out in the yard. This was the call we were waiting for.  We got our court date! But not for the 2nd or 3rd week of July..... for June 26th, which was only 2 and a half weeks away!!!!!! We were told that we would most likely get a court date with 4-6 weeks notice before travel.
I really didn't know how to feel..... excited, scared, and quite honestly sick to my stomach from a perfect mixture of fear and excitement....... fear for our safety, fear for the safety of our oldest child, who would be traveling with us, and fear for leaving our youngest child behind ...... sadness and fear that she might forget us while we were gone. And quite possibly the biggest fear of all.... the fear of the unknown..... the moment that we had been waiting for all these many months.... the moment that we could in no way plan or prepare for..... the moment we would meet our new son.
I have tried to tell myself to think of it much in the same way you would think of giving birth to a new child..... until the moment you meet them, they are also an "unknown".  You don't know what they will look like or what their personality will be like. You don't know how healthy they will be or if they will sleep through the night. So you also can not plan for giving birth to a certain degree. But I can now safely say that it is just different.

You can read the books and take the training. You can join adoption support groups and speak to other families that have adopted as well of other families that are in the process. You can google a million and one things and come up with checklists for what to pack (although we haven't used most of what we brought and have needed everything we didn't bring.) BUT there is no amount of planning that can prepare you for the moment that you will meet your child...... although even our birth children don't belong to us, they were only entrusted to us by God, but belong to Him..... our adopted children were first Gods, entrusted to and brought into this world by others.

The Journey......
In hindsight I am very thankful that we only got a little over 2 weeks notice because it was torture trying to plan the un-plannable in my head for 2 weeks... "role-playing" the moment of our first meeting- over and over a hundred different ways, only to know that it was just an exercise in keeping my mind occupied, because I knew that it would be nothing like any of those scenarios.
So after about 25 hours of travel and 2 more endless days of waiting once we got to Uganda, the real life version finally became a reality.
We got the phone call to say that our son was being brought to us, and they were about 15 minutes away. Mike, Gabe, and I had just made it back to the hotel after getting ourselves lost in downtown Kampala, which was a bit scary I will admit.
We got back just in time to run up to the room and get the puppy that we had bought for "k".  Gabe ran circles in the lobby, squeezing the life out of the stuffed animals neck, while jumping up and down like a maniac.  Mike and I were both worried that Gabe would scare K with his excitement and tried to calm him, to no avail.
Mike and I moved from some chairs in the lobby, to a bench closer to the door, and finally to standing out side...... (It really didn't matter where we waited because none of the locations would calm our nerves or change the outcome, but the movement made me feel better.) All the while, I was trying really hard not to cry because I wanted to look strong, like I had it all together. And I did not want to frighten K or his grandmother..... I knew that the culture was very different, they were probably scared of all of the things they had seen that were new to them, as they come from a small village about 7 hours away from Kampala, the capital, which is where we were. I also knew that they would not speak English and that it was possible they had never seen "Mazoongos" (their word for white people) and we knew nothing of what the grandmother had told K about what they were doing there....

So..... in talking to other adopting families and reading books, etc, you can never be prepared for the moment that you will meet your child, and I was fully prepared to accept the fact that we may not feel a connection to him right away. That would be perfectly normal. So I was actually worried about how long it would take to feel like he was mine........

When we were waiting outside for them, we knew it was him because we could see his Scooby Do shirt. This was the same shirt that he was wearing in the pictures from the referral that we had gotten several months back.... we saw them from across the parking lot. It took everything in me not to burst into tears and I felt like I needed super human strength not to take off running across the parking lot as they got closer and closer, as I didn't want to scare him.. When they finally got to us, I got down to my knees, and put my hands out, thinking that just maybe he would give me his hand, and even though I knew he did not speak English, I said the only thing that came to me which was "Hi, how are you?"

What came next was totally unexpected..... he came close and put his arms around me and said , "I'm fine".

It was kind of like the "Jerry McGuire" movie....... "He had me at hello".

It seemed like we held each other for 2 or 3 minutes..... STILL I do not know who he thinks I am at this moment.....

I just turned into a well of tears and that was it. I loved him at that moment, and in that moment I knew that I had always loved him.

God has been preparing this meeting and this journey since before I was in my mothers womb. I am so thankful for the plans He has for us and our future as a family.

Moving Forward

So we have decided that k is to be ours.  We feel strongly that the date we received the referral was God's way of reassuring us of that.
So we have finalized the paperwork on our end and sent it off with the remainder of the agency fees.  The paperwork has reached Uganda and the attorneys have submitted the paperwork to court. We are officially waiting for a court date now!
We should expect to hear nothing for the next 1-2 months. When we get the call for our court date, we expect to travel within 4-5 weeks and be there for 7-10 days. We will be taking Gabe with us and leaving the little lady behind. This will be a life changing experience for all of us!
We will get to meet k and spend some time with him. As of right now, we do not know if he will be left alone with us or if it will be supervised because we won't go to court until the end of that week.... We will have to appear before the judge and ask permission to adopt k.  I am told that the decision most likely will not even be made while we are in country. We will have to return home, leaving our son behind.  I just can't even fathom what that will be like! .....I think that it will seem less painful each time I have to say it, but it still has the same sting!
Another little surprise ...... Because K's village borders the Congo, it is of course extremely dangerous there, which means that we will not be allowed to go visit his village.... Never to see where our son comes from, so that as he gets older we could help fill in some of the gaps in his life.
I'd like to think that we will be all he needs, but still shutter to think there may be an emptiness in his heart for a home that he won't remember and for his native tongue that he will eventually lose. As much as we can give him, that will forever be a piece of himself that will be gone.

So, once we leave Uganda after the first trip, we will wait for the judge to make a ruling. When the judge rules, our attorney will be there to relay the news back to us. At this point we will be granted guardianship.  .....Well, we hope!Then we will have to wait another 4-6ish weeks before we can travel back to bring our boy home. We will have to be there 2-3 weeks for the 2nd trip. This is where a lot of the expense comes in since we have paid all of our agency fees.
I hope I will have K with me while I am there, but do not yet know how that will work. Because Mike's job is not quite as flexible, I will have to go this trip alone.  My mom has volunteered to join me.  I'm sure this journey together will be one that will be etched, in detail, in our minds and hearts together!
The purpose of this visit is to get visa and immigration paperwork handled and then we will be bringing K home to the 2nd part of his life!
I think that this is how we will have to look at it...... there will be 2 distinct parts to his life...... one part that belongs to his biological parents and one part that belongs to us.
We will never know holding him in our arms as a baby and have the stories of his first word or first steps, but I'm ok with that because those will forever belong to the beautiful human beings who created him and loved him all those years before we were there. I am sad that there had to be such a loss to create the new love and life that we will have together. We will forever be thankful for it as well. It is such a beautiful bitter sweet journey.

The Decision

So we have 2 weeks to accept or decline our referral. We decide to follow the original plan.....there is a special department at MUSC, the children's hospital, for international adoption.  You basically pay a fee and then send all of your referral information, pictures, videos, etc. They will review all of the information and then give you whatever their assessment/findings are. They have 48 hours to review and get back to you. ....while I feel like every second counts, and that is 48 hours longer that we will potentially be separated from our son, we need to be diligent. So we send the info an wait.
The doctor calls and says that K appears to be healthy and well nourished> he has the sickel cell gene, but its not active and should have limited to no effects on him. She also says that he is probably more like 4, rather than 3. (We already knew that his exact age was in question, and thought he looked a little tall for a 3 year old.) She said this is very common with African adoptions. For whatever reason, the children are often stated to be younger that they really are. Sometimes this is intentional to make the children seem more desirable, and sometimes its just because they really do not know the exact age. How could this be? Well, if they find the children orphaned in the streets, then they have absolutely no history or source of information.  Other than that, life is just very different. I am told they don't use calendars, they don't usually get birth certificates when they are born, they don't have their babies in hospitals, and they don't celebrate birthdays. So a specific date of birth really has very little importance to them.
Oh, and I forgot to tell you that there was one more little suprise...... You may or may not know this, but Uganda was colonized by England, so they actually speak English there. So we were very surprised when we found out that K's village borders the Congo, and they speak a very foreign language there!
So this adds to our trepidation..... He is really at the top of the age range we were looking for, or older, he carries a scary gene trait that we know nothing about, and we could have a 4 or 5 year old that doesn't speak English.....on top of the fact that we were saddened to think that he actually has a grandmother who loves him but can not care for him. On top of all the loss this little guy has already experienced in his life, how could we take him from someone who is blood who loves him? Take him away from everything h
e has ever known, to a land of strange faces and strange sights, sounds, foods?
I don't know what we had in our minds, but I feel like my picture was something more of us "saving" him from a life of desolation, where he knew no family and no love. Now it saddens me deeply to think of causing more pain in his life. I just don't know.
There are 2 things I know..... one is:
God is the ONLY one who truly "saves, so I realize that maybe the idea of "saving" him is something more of a "god-complex", and we should be more focused on listening for Gods quiet still voice.
The 2nd is this: Fear is of the enemy!
2 Timothy1:7 says: For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. KJV
I decide to go to prayer for God to speak to me and open my eyes to the answer.
Now that I am trying to re-focus and center back to home, I also realize God has already given us the answer, but I was so busy trying to figure it out on my own that I almost missed it! Thursday, the day before Good Friday, which is the Friday before Easter...... This is the day that we got our referral, which is also by NO COINCIDENCE the same exact day 2 years ago, that I found out we were expecting our 2nd child... our daughter Havannah Lilly.  God knew us in our mothers' wombs and he knows our hearts.  He also knew the fear that we would have and ever so perfectly planned this to calm our hearts and quiet our minds, many many years ago.
I think that as Christians we still often forget that we need not rely on our own wisdom and understanding, and if we could do it all and understand it all on our own, it would leave no room for God. We sometimes need to stop trying to do it ourselves and let God show up for us!

The BIG NEWS

Well, I'm not quite sure where to start..... So much has happened since my last blog. Hmm. Ok so rewind to the week before Easter.... Today would be March 28th....So I'm sitting at my parents house, where I go for lunch or a cup of coffee sometimes while I'm in there area on a work day, since they live about 45 minutes from my house. Meanwhile, Mike and Gabe are at home sick today with the stomach bug.  So my mom isn't home, it's just me and my dad. My phone was over by the door, where I have to take my shoes off when I come in because no shoes allowed in the house. My phone was almost dead and I didn't have my charger, so I didn't think there was even any juice left in it. Dad and I are talking and I hear my phone ring, but didn't go get it because I didn't want to be rude. Then it rings again right after it had stopped, so I figure maybe it's something important, so I run over to get it but have now missed the 2nd call as well. Look at caller I.D. And it's an out of town number that I don't recognize so I quickly check my voice mail before the battery goes dead. It's our case worker at our agency , with a simple message to call her. I instantly get chills because I know there is absolutely no reason fer her to be calling me at this point unless she has news of some sort...... But the only news we are waiting on is that they have found our son, and it couldn't be that because we only started this process in December and I know people that have been waiting almost 2 years for a referal.  Still..... I'm hopeful because I have had this feeling over the last few weeks that it was coming soon. I mean God has been planning this since the day I was born and even though everyone has said that it would be months or years, I know God has been working on this for longer than anyone realizes it.
So I call A (we are not supposed to use names.) The 1st thing she asks is if Mike is with me and now I know! I know I am about to get news that will change our lives forever, so I can't even speak. I get       that slightly light headed feeling and my eyes start to water, and I try to talk but my throat is thick. So I am quiet for a moment to collect myself, and she checks to see if I am still on the line. I put my phone on speaker now because my dad is next to me and I want him to hear what she is going to say         next.....  I finally am able to tell her that I am at my parents house and Mike is at home sick. So she tells me that they have a referal for us.....they have identified our son! He is a 3 year old healthy boy named "k" , as we shall call him for mandatory privacy reasons. He lives with his grandmother and both of his biological parents are gone.  A said she has a few pictures , along with his social and medical history that she will send me in an email, only if I promise not to open it until I am home with Mike. So I give her my word. Meanwhile, my dad is doing his dad thing. He is sitting next to me telling me to ask this question and that question.... What happened to the parents, what happens if the grandmother changes her mind, what if he is sick with something we don't know about.  Ok, so I don't blame him.... This is what dads do, but I was kind of hoping that he could savor this moment with me and be a little more heart and less head for the moment.
So I go into the other room to call Mike and Gabe to give them the news. It's sort of bitter sweet since Mike is in bed, feeling near death. So I give them the news and head home. Now, I'm actually kind of glad that my cell phone is almost dead because I'm worried I will be tempted to look at his picture before I get home.
Now I'm home...made it all the way without peaking. Go into the room, where Mike is laying in the bed, so I get his laptop and call Gabe into the room. We open the email together and there he is! What a handsome little man! He's tall and looks to be healthy and he's handsome. So, tall and good looking.... Definitely takes after his mom already :) and he's wearing a Scooby Doo shirt, standing on a dirt road, next to Granny, and maybe he's wearing bedroom slippers? There is a small house behind them in the picture. Is this where he lives? So many things going through our minds, as we open the attachments. There is some medical information and social information about him, his birth parents, his village, etc.
Now we officially have 2 weeks to either accept the referal or decline it. If we accept, we are saying that we want him as our son.  So this is the moment we have been waiting on, but how do we know for sure he is our son? I don't know how you "know".  I think I thought that you would feel a certain way, or just know, but now there are all sorts of emotions and A sort of fear that I didn't expect. Fear?   I just don't understand my own emotions. We agree that we will wait for Gods lead, meanwhile we will follow the logical next steps that we had agreed upon following at this point. God, I know you have brought us this far, we put our faith in you!

Update

Well, I haven't updated you all for a while, so there are some exciting things that have been happening!
First of all, we were officially approved by SC DSS a fe weeks ago! Although, we were already approved and put on the waiting list by our agency, it is just 1 more formality off the checklist.
S here is how the waiting list part works..... Each agency has its own group of orphanages or agencies that it works with in each specific country. So not everyone is looking at the same group of little ones. Our agency goes through the foster care system in Uganda, mainly because before they set up their program in Uganda, they met with the government officials to ask what the preferred method was..... This is very important because there is a lot of people AGAINST international adoption in Uganda, and since the country has only been open for international adoption for a few short years, it is still a very delicate situation.
So anyhow, now that we are "paper ready" we wait! How many families are paper ready, in front of us- who are also looking for a 2-4 year old boy? 0!!! So, what that means folks is that I just got goose bumps. So even there are 143 million orphans, they each have to have official orphan paperwork so to speak, before they can be adopted. This  costs money, so they done start on the paperwork for any given child until a family has been cleared and approved, who is looking for a babe that fits their description, so to speak..... When i say description, I mean things like Ge, gender, health, ect.

So it's been a few weeks, and we have been pretty busy with fundraising through our yard sales and just normal life. It was weird to go from talking or emailing with our social worker almost every day for the past few months to now not talking for a few weeks, so I called the other day, just to see if there was any word.
She said they do have a boy who fits our wants. They are working on his paperwork, but she is not allowed to tell me anything about him yet. I almost cried when she to.d me thAt we might be matched and have a picture within a few short weeks to a month!
Crazy exciting and yes-a little scary too.
I'm loving life-my hubby, 2 children, and all of the other blessings God has already given me, and looking forward to even more blessings when we finally bring our boy home..... To be continued.