Epiphany

It's amazing how little I knew about Biblical adoption, even until recently. By the time this blog post comes out, it will be Orphan Sunday. So I find myself thinking about many things.... Things I have learned and things I do not yet fully understand.
Our story started many years ago with a tiny seed that The Father planted in my heart.......a seed of love. For many years the seed was watered, but it was like the seed was sown in rocky soil with no depth to which it could root or sown in thorny soil so when it started to grow, it was choked out and it yielded no fruit. I needed to remove the stones and thorns of things that were plaguing my life....... Once I allowed the soil of my heart to be tilled and fertilized by God, He was able to give the increase for a harvest!  I was able to experience Gods love in a much more real way and this allowed me to step out of the shadows of fear, into faith in a larger than life kind of way....through adoption.
It's interesting that I never knew that there is so much in the Bible about adoption, but it doesn't all jump right out like James 1:27 "pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction and to keep himself unspotted from the world".
Did you know that several main "characters" in the Bible were adopted? Moses was adopted by Pharaohs family, Esther was adopted, and Jesus was adopted by Joseph, his earthly father.
Then there is the fact that as Christians, our whole faith is based on the fact that when we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, we are adopted into Gods family as sons and daughters and heirs to the throne of the Heavenly King! This is Through Gods greatest act of love...... adoption is about love.
I once had this idea that it was all so complicated. I thought it was something that some select few were"called for" and about "saving some poor child" , doing something to save the world, blah blah blah. It's just love....plain and simple. And we are all called to love.
So I have experienced Gods love growing in my heart and now our home has grown in love. We were 3, now 5. There are no orphans in our home. We have a beautiful daughter and 2 handsome sons. Our 2 youngest will be dedicated at church in just a few hours, which will be the official beginning of one of our only real missions on earth.....to help lead our children to have a personal relationship with our eternal Father.
There are worldly orphans and spiritual orphans. Some are 2 in the same. Although God promises to come to us and that He will not leave us as spiritual orphans. Wouldn't it be amazing if there were no children without a place to call home and a mother and father here on earth?
There is a call for all of us. What is your part?

Moving Mountains and Parting of the Red Sea

Friday was my 10 year wedding anniversary. 
I love my husband so much! He is my best friend and makes me laugh. He even manages to make me laugh at myself sometimes when I am mad. That is quite a feat! And he has gone from no cards, to a card with nothing special written in it and nothing all that perfectly fitting in the words of Hallmark, to not 1 but TWO perfect cards- perfectly fitting with special messages in each. I love this guy!
Who would have  thought? Well- to be honest.... If we were all honest, there were certainly times where the enemy had hold of our hearts, our thoughts, our desires, and our future.... And we got sucked into the mud. Had we stayed just a moment longer, maybe we wouldn't have made it out. It IS by the Grace of God....the great healer and restorer that we have made it this far. To be honest there were times where I had my doubts. There were many nights where I prayed Mark 11:23
"For verily I say unto you, that whosoever shall say to this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith." KJB

And in the darkest times I prayed to be like Paul and Silas in the dungeon who were able to praise God in their darkest of dark times- in the "midnight" being imprisoned for worshiping our creator. When they could have lost all hope and could have given up on the one for whom they loved and were imprisoned for (Acts 16:25-34)
God is faithful. He has led us through the valley and beside still waters to restore our souls and bring restoration to our marriage.
He has taken us by the hands like small children and has put his arms around us. He has shown us a deeper love for each other and for Him than we ever could have imagined. And this is part of our story- our testimony of how God can take us from the mirey clay and use us and our stories for His glory. And when we really make ourselves vulnerable to Him, giving ourselves freely for Him to use for the kingdom- amazing things happen.
And so it was with our adoption journey as well. 
I know that not everything which God calls us to is easy. Sometimes doors are shut one after the next and the enemy is at our heels all the while. 
For this season of our lives, I have been amazed to see the floodgates flung open wide as Gods blessings have poured out on us. Its like God parted the Red Sea for us like He did in Exodus 14, when Moses led the children of Israel out of captivity.... "And the children of Israel went out with boldness". (It would be amazing what we could all do for the advancement of the Kingdom if we could have this childlike boldness in what God has called for our lives.)   
And so I have been asked time and time again "why adoption?" My answer today is much different than the one from months ago. It hasn't changed, but its grown. As I have grown in Him, my understanding also has grown.
Stay tuned for the latest on why I adopt..... I was inspired by one of my favorite adoptive momma bloggers who had a post about the same topic! 

The Journey Part 7- The Goodbye

Dear Kev!n,

I write this to you today with a heavy heart.  Before my head hits the pillow tonight, this will have been one of the most bitter sweet days of my life. While I look forward to my safe return home with Daddy and Gabe, and my heart will be filled with joy when I see your sister for the 1st time in 8 days, I am also saddened. There is a pit in my stomach and heartache I could never explain. Tears stream down my face as I write this to you now, as I have left a piece of my heart behind.... In Uganda..... I have left you.

Today I have done the most emotionally difficult and heart wrenching thing..... When we got to the airport, we got the bags out of the car and you put your little book bag on. (We gave you a Thomas the Train book bag this week, and you just loved it. You carried it everywhere we went!).... While we were unloading all of our luggage from the van, you put your little book bag on and you were excited for the journey....the journey you could not take. It was torture riding to the airport with you sleeping in my lap, all the while knowing that I could not explain to you what was about to happen. So we wrote you letters. Gabe put a little black and white composition book in your book bag, and we each wrote you a letter in the hopes that someone in your family will find them and read them to you. Mommy's letter is first, then Gabe's, then Daddy's. Knowing that there was no way to explain what was going on, I gave you a big hug and a bunch of slobbery kisses. Gabe and Daddy gave you hugs and kisses too, and Daddy had to hold Gabe up because he was so upset he could barely hold himself up.   I gave you a bunch more kisses and told you that Mommy loves you and promised that I would come back for you. Then I had to put you in a car while you were crying. You thought you were coming with us and did not know where we were going or if we were ever coming back, but I buckled your seat belt and gave you one last kiss and shut the door. It was awful. Daddy had already dragged Gabe away and I had to pull it together and tell a little white lie. When I met Daddy and Gabe, Gabe was very concerned and asked if you were ok when I put you in the car. I had to lie and tell him you were fine because I could not bear to tell the truth. As we have now been traveling for close to 25 hours and are almost home, I use this time to reflect on our first days together. I pray that God will put the peace that passes human understanding in your heart and mine. I pray that Abba Father will speak words to your heart that I could not speak to your ears. I pray that you know how much we love you and that you will know we will come for you. I pray to be safely reunited with your sister soon , and most of all I pray to have all 3 of my children together so we can begin the next step in our journey.

We all love you and miss you. We can't wait to see your smiling face again soon!

  

 Love Mommy

The Journey part 6

Thurs June 27th

 

We had court last night. I thought it went well. Dorothy, our attorney told us that the judge gave your other family members a hard time and asked what was so difficult in taking care of such a small boy. He asked your aunt with 5 kids why she couldn't just share the other childrens things and give you a little bit of their food.

I think he just wanted them to be sure this was what they wanted to do.

 

Today is Thursday. We have only today and part of tomorrow left with you. I'm feeling a little bit of heaviness in my spirit. I'm trying to enjoy our last full day with you.

We go to the museum. This clearly was not thrilling for you.

(The head dress in the picture is what would have been worn during a circumcision event. We learned that circumcision were public events. The men would wear these while they would perform the procedure on boys of 9ish years of age in front of the whole community. ) Once again, our guide was walking and trying to give us the schpeil, but you got it in your head that you wanted soda, so for about an hour and a half, you walked around just murmuring "sooooooooda- sooooooda-soooooooda" over and over and over and over again.

Pretty impressive! You never gave up. And of course, our museum guide made several comments as to how stubborn you were.

I have to give you credit.... I was determined not to give in, but you wore everyone else out. Finally, the guide promised that we would get you a soda at lunch, just so you would let her do her job.

 

Afterwards, we went back to the hotel so you and Gabe could swim, or -so Gabe could swim and so we could try to coax you back into the pool again.

 

You did it! You finally did it! You were brave enough to let me get into the baby pool while I was holding you. After a few minutes, you let me put you down. Yay!

So you threw the ball with Daddy and Gabe for a little bit , and then threw up in the pool.

 

I'm thinking no one was super happy with us.

We just wound down after that, although you seemed to feel fine by the time we got back to the room. I think it was just a combination of the coughing and swimming after eating..... Note to self.

 

Spirits were down a little bit, as this was our last night together. We had to pack and be ready to check out the next morning.

Off to bed.

 

Friday morning June 28th

 

Checked out of hotel. Mr Ronald came to get us. Went to the passport office to see if we could get the passport process started before leaving the country. Even though our attorney had someone go wait in line all day, when we were having coffee at a nearby cafe. When our number got close, they called us to come over, but when we got there we realized that our passport photos were not the right size. So I took you and rushed off to get some quick pics done, and rushed back.

 

We waited about an hour and a half. You and I were in the passport office which was a small concrete building with no air conditioning, electricity, or anything other than some waiting chairs and a few people at desks. Since there are no computers, everything is written by hand, and they have these huge ledger books where they log everything.

When we got to 4th in line, they just got up and left for lunch without saying a word.  To keep you busy I took out my ipod. You grabbed it and stuck it to directly to the ears of the people to our right and left. I think you were so amazed, you wanted to share the joy, but they kept swatting your hands away. You could care less! You just kept sticking it right back in their ears. Pretty funny.

About an hour and a half later they show back up..... 1-2-3-4.... I'm up! Finally. Someone asks me what I'm there for, I tell them, and they tell me I'm in the wrong place and they shoo me away.

Ugh, Standard protocol here! The attorney said this is where we should be. This is where he took his last clients. He assured us that they could take care of us, but were just choosing not to. They sent us 3 doors down, where there was no one waiting all day, but now.... Now they were at lunch- or still at lunch. I'm not sure. So we wait some more. Now we are back out in the heat waiting. There is this really cute little Ugandan girl, who is maybe 2 years old. She has really taken to Gabe and is following him all around. She is sitting in his lap and trying to hold his hand. Daddy said she had been playing with Gabe and following him around for quite sometime, but you hadn't seen it because you were inside waiting with me. Well..... You did not want her anywhere near Gabe! You were clearly jealous. You went over and pushed her hands away from Gabe. When she kept trying to get back to Gabe, you started pushing her and pinching her arms. (Not too hard as to hurt her. And it wasn't nice, but it was kind of cute at the same time.)  Finally they get back, we go into the building to wait some more. As the line moves, we get closer.....3-2-1. Its our turn now. We explain what we need and -nope! They send us away. They tell us we can't start the passport process yet without the judges ruling.

Long and frustrating day, and to make it worse- we have to head to the airport now.

Now I have an hour ride to agonize about what is about to happen..... We will have to part ways for a time, and I will not be able to explain it to you. Oh, how I am dreading this next few hours!

The Journey Part 5 - Court

Wednesday June 26th

Today is the big day.... We will go to court to testify in front of a judge - that we want you to be our son- a part of our forever family. 
I thought I would be nervous, but I'm not. I'm excited to go through this next part of the process.... To get one step closer to uniting our soon family of 5. Wow! That's pretty crazy. We were 3 for 8 years. In another year and a half, our family will have grown by 2.

Slept in, treated ourself to a nice big breakfast buffet at the Sheraton. We were worried about a really bad cough that you had since the day we met you. You also had little bumps all over in localized areas. You had coughed so hard that you got sick several times over the last few days, so we decided that we would take you to a doctor. As luck would have it, there was one in the hotel and we didn't even know it! ..... Sure enough- you had an upper respiratory infection and ring worm all over your body- including on your head. Oh- $30 US never better spent! We were so relieved when we got those antibiotics into your system, but you did not like the medicine! However, we had another great tip before we left, so we packed several bottles of cough syrup, which we had already been giving you for several days. You thought you hated the way that tasted until you got the Uganda Special Brew! Oh my! (We were also warned before we left that cough syrup in Uganda was expensive and tasted awful.) It must have been right, because you actually cried and tried to convince us to give you the medicine we brought from the US instead, by pointing and grunting. Then you ran away to hide when you saw what bottle Daddy poured from.

Mr Ronald picked us up an hour early for court, just to be on the safe side , even though its only a few minutes from the hotel. Luckily we got there with a little time to spare, so we walked across the street to a very small craft market. Gabe and I already had some hand-made Ugandan sandals, so we found a pair for you as well. Our court appointment was at 1:30, and we were all there a little early. Your uncles, aunts, grande, and village leader were all there as well.   
I don't think anyone even came in to make sure we were all there til 2:30. Then another hour and a half went by and no one seemed to care that we were even there. This came as no surprise, as we were warned that's how it would go, so luckily we brought your toys, lots of snacks, and water.
In the meantime, we got to know a little more about your family. Daddy had more in depth conversations because the guys were the ones who all wanted to talk and learn more about our family and the United States in general.
I spoke to the ladies a little, but they were pretty busy chatting amongst themselves in your native tong. I kept busy trying to entertain you and Gabe mostly.
Interestingly enough, I don't think Daddy, you, Gabe , or myself really ate any of the snacks that we brought. After a few hours, I did try to get you to eat, but felt others looking on, so happily offered to share. Everyone seemed pretty excited about the trail mix, animal cookies, granola bars, and fruit that we brought. I hadn't even realized that these were items that they had most likely never seen before. Your aunts even seemed to be explaining an orange to your grandmother. So I offered them the rest of what I had and kept only a pack of crackers in case we needed it for later. Well..... And my Twizzlers that I kept hiding in my purse...I just couldn't give the Twizzlers away!
I was already to kill someone for a Diet Pepsi at this point- I had to keep my sugar fix since I couldn't get my carbonated caffeine fix until we got back to the US.

I think they finally came in close to 4:00. They rushed us into the courtroom. Rush rush rush rush! Leave the bags- everyone hurry!
We get into the courtroom, sit down, and the judge then tells Ms Dorothy that he needs to excuse us for about 10 more minutes because his boss needs to see him. They herd us out of the courtroom- back to the original holding pen.
I would say another hour or more goes by. I'm in the ladies room and come out to an empty waiting room. I find that they rushed the group off again, even telling Mike to just leave me because they couldn't wait. I find Daddy and the rest of the family in a waiting room outside of the court room. So there we waited- again- after rushing- again. Finally! They came for us and ushered us back into the court room. 
By now you and Gabe were pretty tired. Within a few minutes, you were sleeping in my lap, and Gabe was sleeping in his chair, sitting straight up. Seems like we were in there for an hour and a half. I'm not sure exactly, but the place was closed down, and everyone except the guards were gone when we left ..... And it was dark outside.
The judge, who is supposed to be addressed as "my lord" called up both of your aunts and then your grande. (They said your uncles were too young for court, so they were not allowed in at all.) The judge spoke to your family in Lugandan, so we never knew what was going on. He had your Aunt Joy translate for your grande since she couldn't speak English or Lugandan, other than a few things here and there. She did get pretty emotional at one point, and had to hide her face. I did not know what was being said, but I felt a wave of relief to see the emotion finally overcome her. I felt bad to see her sad, but for your sake- I was relieved. This was the 1st clear display of emotion I had seen. This proved that she loved you beyond a shadow of a doubt..... Not that I had any reason to doubt, but it just made it perfectly clear.
This process took what seemed forever. There were no computers in the room, and the judge wrote every answer by hand- literally word for word. 
Then he called me. Ugh. I. Felt sure he would call Mike and figured he may not speak to me at all. (He never did call Daddy, which surprised us. But later Ms Dorothy explained that he usually only wanted to talk to the mommies.) I had been contemplating all the while on weather I would be able to address him as "my lord". I just had a sick feeling about it in my stomach. Even though I knew it was just a title like sir, I just couldn't do it. I just went with Sir, and figured he would think I didn't know any better. 
Now, we had mentally been preparing for all kinds of difficult questions. I had been rehearsing all kinds of things to say-  in my head all day.
So I was a bit thrown when he asked me my age. I was not expecting that one! I honestly don't think about it very much, so I was trying to think it out in my head. I was sure I was 32 or 33. I thought I was crazy until I looked over at Daddy and saw him counting on his fingers too. The judge asked me again, and I could tell he was annoyed at my delay. I took a stab and said 32. Whew! I was lucky- it turned out to be right!
Then- how long have I been married, how many children do I have- both with daddy?- do we both work- how many hours- what days- and then one that worried me a little....what made me think I could take care of 3 children since Daddy and I both work full time? Ouch! This one had me scared. Then he asked how I came to get the idea of adoption in my head. Ugh! I wanted him to ask why we wanted to adopt you! I would have told him the story about how I knew I wanted to adopt since I was a teenager. At that point, it was just an idea of doing something "good"- to help provide a loving home and a mommy and daddy for a child that didn't have it. BUT the moment I met you, I wanted to adopt you because I loved you at that moment. 
So, I didn't get to tell him all of that, but I wanted you to know..... It was you. You are our chosen one, the one we dreamed of, the one we prayed for, the one we cried for! You are the one! You were no accident. We waited months for you, we prepared a place for you in our home while God prepared your place in our hearts. We came for you, son, and our lives will never be the same again!

The Journey Part 4

Tuesday June 26th:

Woke up next to my new little snuggler and my big snuggler on the other side of you. (By the way- Daddy continues to yell at Gabe because Gabe is constantly sneaking in kisses..... All over your face. Its pretty funny. Sometimes you welcome them and want to give him kisses back, and sometimes it looks a little bit like molestation! Daddy tells Gabe that if he did that to a little girl, he would be put in jail. So Daddy holds Gabe down and slobbers all over his face to show him how it feels. I'm laughing out loud even now with the images in my head. You like to give us kisses on the cheeks, but I honestly wonder if you have ever kissed anyone before or if you picked it up from Gabe because you kind of leave your mouth open when you kiss our cheeks- pretty funny, but they are welcomed!
So we go to the 10th floor for our usual free breakfast. By now we have learned to communicate pretty well, surpassing the language barrier. But you are always bouncing off walls and since we are constantly having to tell you "no no" and ichilaho in your language, we sometimes miss things. For example- at breakfast you keep saying the same thing over and over and are whining a bit. We keep telling you no no and sit down, but felt a little bad when the lady who worked there told us that you were only asking for passion fruit juice. Sorry Buddy.
So we get your juice and sit down together. You decide you want things from Gabe's plate, and you reach over and grab what you want and shove it in your mouth before Gabe has a chance to react. Its kind of funny. It doesn't matter how bad Gabe wanted that item....even if it was the very last one.... He would smile and let you have it. He loves you so much, and he has such a kind heart. It makes me happy to see. And you are very demanding, always wanting your food or drink first, but Gabe doesn't complain a bit that you are getting more attention than he. So, to our surprise, you do know how to use a fork....kind of. You seem to like using it for french fries, or "chips" as they call them in Uganda, but rice and mooshy items- you seem to prefer your hands. And if you don't like something or if you get a seed in your mouth, you just spit it on the floor. I try to tell you no no, but I am pretty sure this is fairly common for the area you are from. In addition, you are constantly throwing trash on the floor or on the ground.
Mr Ronald, who is my "go-to" source of information tells me that both of these things are normal behavior for someone from a village, so we don't give you such a hard time about it.... We laugh, I apologize to whomever may be looking at us, and clean it up.

Mr Ronald picked us up and took us to the IOM Medical office. We have to get a medical exam for you as part of the immigration requirements . We weren't told ahead of time that we should have made an appointment well in advance, so when Daddy tried to call the week before we came, he was just told to try back in a month. This is how peeps roll in Uganda! We figured we would try to show up and see if they could squeeze you in. As we were showing our identification to the armed guards, you kept trying to run off. I kept grabbing you, but you got loose. You walked through the door, and were standing just outside the guard shack. I could still see your back, so just kept an eye on you until I finished signing in. As I walked out of the door, I found you - how should I say this- peeing- right out in front of the whole world. I tried to hurry you since there was a lady and her daughter coming our way. Boy, you are a handful! 
Mr Ronald went with us to try to help talk our way into being seen, to no avail. But they did let us make an appointment for the following week- for your grandmother to bring you back. We got all the documents in order for Pepa- this is the agency in Uganda.  
Next we went to Dorothy's office. She is our attorney through the agency. We beat her there, so we all got out and threw the ball around in the front yard of her office. Daddy and I wanted to take a break, so we got back in the car with Mr Ronald. A few minutes later, you and Gabe  had disappeared behind some bushes, and Gabe starts screaming blood murder. He is calling my name- screaming for me and now calling for Daddy too! My heart drops in an instant- there is razor wire around the property and broken glass on the ground. I was sure you were hurt! I fling open my door, almost in tears- as Mike's door flies open as well! We spill out of opposite sides of the car and race towards Gabe.... Frightened for what we are about to find! Then...... Gabe says " Kevin is taking a DUMP!"
I'm still confused and my heart racing.... He tells us that you just pulled your pants down and started going. Yes, son- I'm sorry- I did just tell the whole world, but its all part of our story. 
I told Daddy "This one's all you", and I got back in the car laughing. Luckily we were prepared with tp in the back pack. Daddy came back to clean you up. He said you were in your birthday suit.
Once again- Mr Ronald told us that there was no need for concern, that this was perfectly acceptable where you are from..... Although I'm not sure this will be so easily explained if we are at church or in the mall parking lot- back in the states, but we will work on it.
So, we saw Ms Dorothy, who helped prepare us for what to expect in court. She told us that we got the judge who will ask us all kinds of questions. He will be watching us interact with you, and he will want to see pictures of us with you, as well as want us to have shown interest in learning about Uganda. So Dorothy suggested that we visit some local historic sites.... The tombs, parliament, the museums, or something.
She did say that you looked like you fit right in with us, as you were running back and forth in her office, giving me big open mouth kisses on the cheek, sitting in my lap, and literally climbing all over Gabe and giving him kisses too.
I just can't explain it- but if we weren't still trying to learn how to speak to each other, it would seem like you were always with us!

Back to the communication barrier- at one point you decided to open the door and try to run out of the room. I kept pulling you back, and closing the door. Finally her assistant walked in and explained that you were saying that you had to go to the bathroom. Yikes! I guess we better learn that one! ..... Quinyata.... Ok- mental note- got it.

So, once we left Ms Dorothy's office, Mr Ronald tool us to the parliament. The tour guide was trying to give us her talk track and you were (as always) running all over the place, trying to take the camera from Daddy, on my lap, off my lap- up the walls! She kept trying to distract you and to take your hand to lead you in another direction, but you kept trying to push her hand away. She commented on how stubborn you were. We just smiled and said- "yes, we know."
We learned all about how Uganda and Buganda came to be and about the different tribes, the burning of the tombs, the Kings, and the President.
Then we went to see the palace and the old torture chambers. This was all extremely interesting.

Once we left, we were told that we needed to go see the local agency office- Pepa. We weren't sure why; we just thought we had some paperwork to sign or something.
This is the 1st time we really saw the poverty of Uganda. The houses near the office were shacks at best. Mostly people sitting around in the dirt, children with scraps of clothing, babies with a tattered shirt and nothing else- dirt and dust everywhere. Bone thin animals romping around.... Not much of anything anywhere other than dirt and dust. The people were beautiful - in their own way.... As much as one might say they looked sad..... I don't know that I would say that. Who am I to say they are sad because they don't have things that they don't know of? The children were still happy, running around- playing in their dirty, torn rags, beaming with smiles as they waved at us as we passed. Some of the brave ones even ran to our window to say hello and touch my hand. While they certainly are without many things, I would like to think they are happy people, just living a different life!.... Maybe naïve, but that's honestly the only way I can sleep at night after seeing that. Otherwise I'm gonna have to convince Daddy to sell it all and move to Uganda.

So, after a long day, I was pretty worn out, and not as sharp, mentally, as I would normally be. We park and walk up to the Pepa office. I walk in with you, Gabe, and Daddy in tow. I'm not really aware of my surroundings, but I see a lady who tells me to take a seat, so I do. All of a sudden I see you between the legs of a young man who is sitting to my right. You have your arms on his legs and I am a bit put off by this. I ask the young man if he knows you. He smiles and says "yes, I know Kevin." ..... Knowing that I am missing something, I ask if he is related and he replies "yes, I'm his uncle". Now I look around the room and see another young man, 2 unfamiliar ladies, and your grandmother all sitting along the wall. I know this is your family. (Your village leader was there as well. These would be the witnesses for court.)  Feeling a bit embarrassed, I stand up to greet your grandmother and the others. We introduce ourselves, and I'm feeling a bit awkward. I'm happy and sad and feeling all kinds of crazy at the same time. I'm a little jealous that you would rather be with your uncle Giddeon, than myself.... I know that's a very immature way to feel, but this is how I felt. I was happy to know that you had a family though... A group of people who have been loving you all this time. I hope they have been hugging and kissing you and telling you how smart and funny you are. I hope they have been grateful for every waking second that they have had you in their lives. In a way I'm also hoping to see some obvious signs of sadness in their eyes. Please try to understand if I can articulate this in a way that makes sense. I don't want them to be sad for the sake of being sad. But someday when you will read these letters and ask me about this day, I want to be able to tell you that their hearts were breaking to give you away. I want to know that they will miss you so you will know without a shadow of a doubt that they loved you deeply. I'm confused because I can not read their emotions. Their faces are straight, and I'm the only one in the room with tears in my eyes. I don't know why this is so difficult. I want to see some sign of approval from them, that they can see our love for you already or confirmation that they know they made the right choice. I'm afraid that maybe they will still change their minds, but in a strange way- also wanting to know that they still want you themselves. Its just too much! (Peace, God- give me peace right now, calm my mind.)
Then Appo, our Uganda agency coordinator, asks us all to stand and introduce ourselves. When we are all done, he encourages us to take this opportunity to ask any questions of each other that we would like. Everyone went. Gabe and I were last. Gabe was a bit shy in this situation, and he wanted me to speak for him. It took the urging of everyone in the room to get you to finally stand and introduce yourself. (Later, Mr Ronald explained that it is very rare to see a mazoongo child in person- up close and even more rare to hear one speak. He said that usually if mazoongo children come to Uganda, they are kept safe and not allowed to go near the public. I thought this was kind of sad....once again making me feel bad that we too had those same fears when we first got there. But now I consider Mr Ronald our friend and your family- a new part of our extended family.)
Now its my turn. Need I say.... I AM NOT looking forward to having to talk at all for fear I will just lose it. Also, I know there is one question that you would never forgive me of not asking.... When it got to me, its kind of a blur. I'm pretty sure I managed to say my name and said I had one question...... I started by saying that we already loved you and definitely wanted you to come be part of our family, but wanted to know why they were "giving you to us". Now, admittedly I know this is not the best phrasing but I don't know what words may have sounded better. And I'm thankful that Appo heard me and understood. I'm quite sure that it didn't come out much above a whisper. Everyone was trying to figure out what I wanted to know and Appo explained my question. Again, I think I was looking for some dramatic display of emotion, but the answer was pretty simple.... Your two uncles are fairly young and are enrolled at the University, being supported by your other family members. Your one aunt has 5 children between the ages of 7- 17 years old. Your Aunt Joy, who is a pastor does not have the money, and your grandmother is in her 60's with poor health and no source of income. She has been your primary caregiver. She didn't say this, but I'm pretty sure she is afraid of what will happen to you if she isn't around anymore. The 2nd question that I asked was for a little better understanding of how your biological mommy and daddy passed. There was not much information, but I think its mostly due to lack of medical technology in the area.

They asked us if you would have anymore brothers and sisters. We told them that you would become a little brother and a big brother all at the same time. We told them about Havannah, and showed them her pictures in the picture books that we made for them. (By this time, you had learned who Havannah was by going through the pictures with us- you loved those picture books! Every time we would see her picture, you would say her name and kiss her face! Of all the strangers in the picture books, it was she who captured your heart. If its possible to love someone from only a picture, I'd be sure that you loved her already.)
Your family also wanted to know if we would send you to school and what our religion was. They were all born again Christians, so they were pleased to hear that we are as well and that you would be going to a Christian school.
I then thought to ask if they could tell us about your likes and dislikes, but there was no answer offered. 

Later, I asked Mr Ronald if he could guess why there were no hugs and kisses or tears from your other family. He said that's just part of the culture. 
Exhausted after a long, emotion filled day, Mr Ronald took us back to our hotel. 

Free food and waters on floor 10 and off to bed for a big day tomorrow..... Court! 

The Journey:Part 3

Day 4:

Our 2nd day together:

In the morning, you were even more comfortable with us, and started to pull a few tricks out of your bag. You told us that you have 2 arms and 2 legs.... In English! We all just started laughing because it was random and totally unexpected. When you found that we were happy about your English tid bits, you pulled out a few more stops. You sung us a song about having 5 senses: " Senses senses senses- I have 5 senses :I have eyes to see, ears to hear, nose to smell, and a tong to tastie"  We all laughed. It was one of the cutest things ever! Of course we never did figure out what the 5th one was..... You sung the song for days but never let the cat out of the bag.

 

Mr Ronald (our driver/ guide who we were very luck to have) picked us up and took us to the US Embassy so we could check in on making sure the Visa process had been started. You sat close to me while I held you close in the car, since there was no seat belt. Mommy carried you, and when you walked, you held my hand on 1 side and Gabes on the other. Luckily I brought your book bag full of toys because you were a busy busy bee. (I have heard that it is pretty common for Ugandan boys to be pretty energetic.... But you, my dear are special and funny, and sharp, and more energetic than any others I have seen. (We have also gotten comments from people - Ugandans- almost every where we go. They laugh and say how stubborn you are. I think you will fit right in!

The Hot Wheels kept you pretty busy. This was one of the 1st places we saw other Mazoongos, other than our hotel. There were other Mazoongos there with there beautiful Ugandan children, waiting for the same reason. When we left, we went to get passport photos for you and a family photo of all of us together, which we were told we would need since Mommy would be traveling to bring you home without Daddy with us.

The sites:

I didn't take a lot of pictures this 1st visit because I was taking mental pictures and trying to take in what I was seeing..... 1st of all, the traffic and road conditions was pretty darn scary.... They drive on the left side of the street, well.... Sort of. They really just drive wherever they want! The roads are mostly paved, but huge holes all over the place, so people are weaving in and out from left lane to right lane. And I had to close my eyes and clench my body many times while I was preparing for impact- holding tight to you and Gabe. Ronald kept us safe, although someone did bump us from behind at one point.... No one stops because no one cares. All of the cars are bumped and scraped. There are boda bodas everywhere! These are basically something like a dirt bike and a small motorcycle combined. This is a popular mode of transportation because you can more easily weave in and out of traffic and they take less gas. We were warned and read warnings to not ride on any of these (they use them for taxis also). They are very dangerous due to the crazy driving and lack of helmets. We saw people riding 5 deep on them sometimes..... A driver up on the gas tank, a momma, and 3 little ones! If a woman was to ride by herself, she would sit "side saddle" to ride like a lady..... Even more scary! I'm pretty sure we side bumped one at one point in the car as well.... Its just madness! Also, we were told that some of the boda boda drivers are bad guys and will drive you to areas where other bad guys would be waiting to snatch you off the back or rob you. (But again, this is what we read before going. After talking to Ronald, I'm sure some of this may be a bit exaggerated.) Other than the paved streets, there was no grass to line the roadsides or anything else. It was just dry dusty red clay everywhere, so although the weather was beautiful, breezy, and much cooler than Charleston, and we would drive with the windows down to avoid using the A/C (if he even had it), dust was thick in the air, and when we showered at night, you could see it all draining down in the water.

The roadside shops were , to the best I can describe, like a small metal shed that one might have in their back yard.... 35 years old, falling apart with holes and rust, but without doors.

People would be sitting inside on dirt or standing. You could find dresses, jewelry, fruits,cell phones, or even meat, plus just about anything you could think of. And yes- I did say meat..... Raw meat hanging in the windows of an open, un air-conditioned metal shack, with flies buzzing and dirt flying all around!

Driving around, you would also see little old ladies sitting on piles of rocks, holding hammers or mallets. Close bye I saw piles of grey dirt. I assume the ladies were manually crushing the rocks for cement?

Also you would see men hand making beautiful hand carved beds, doors, and all types of furniture. You would see gorgeous hand made iron or raw steel doors. You would see men with shovels and pick axes to break up concrete on the side of the road- digging 5ft deep trenches to lay power lines, women using brooms without handles to sweep the streets, guys with brillo pads scrubbing the sidewalks. You would also see packs of children wandering the streets begging for food. This was by far the saddest thing of all..... While we were at the 1 stoplight in the whole city, a pack came up to the car. The oldest was maybe 10, and was offering to wash the windows with a dry dirty clothe. Then he went to Mike's window ,and Mike gave him some change. The other 4 were at my window, maybe between the ages of 3 and 7 yrs old, reaching their arms inside. I held their hands and gave them all of the snacks I had in my bag. Ronald told us that they probably had come from up north and their parents had probably been killed by one of the rebel groups. He said they sneak into the backs of trucks and make their way to the city to beg for food and change to eat. Eventually the when the food is scarce, the older ones will steal the food and the younger ones will die. There is no organization that picks the children up and puts them into homes. They just survive if they can. 

 

At the end of the day, we went back to the hotel and took you and Gabe out to the pool. Later we were told that this is the 1st time you ever saw a pool, which may explain why you were scared to death of it. And when I told you it was a "pool", you kept calling it a "boat".

Daddy finally got you to put your legs in, after 15-20 minutes of coaching. Then a lady that works at the hotel spoke Runyankole and tried to trick you into the pool by offering you sweets. Then she grabbed you and threw you into the baby pool, which was a foot and a half deep. You cried and told her she was a bad person and that she lied because you could see she had no sweets in her hand. (I was on the other side of the pool, but was tickled when Daddy told me what happened.) You wouldn't even come near Daddy the rest of the time at the pool that day.

That night and for the rest of the nights, you slept between me and Gabe. I would gently rub your face as we went to sleep and I would wake up to you looking at me, rubbing my face and rubbing your feet against my legs.

Sweet Boy.